Family Volley Photo Challenge

This week's Photo Challenge (May 23) is- "Down Low"

Have fun interpreting however you would like. :)

Want them to Hear You? Listen.

My husband has this old cassette tape. Remember those? It is one of the few cassette tapes we still own. The sound is gravel-ey and it reminds me of high school.

The tape is full of songs by Cat Stevens. My husband introduced me to him when we got married. There is this one song with a line that says, "from the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen"

Every time I hear the song, that line really strikes me. It is so true. Just as soon as we can talk, we are told to be quiet and listen. Contradiction, don't you think? I listen to the song and replay the line in my mind, evaluating my parenting practices and wondering if I listen to our kids, or just order them around. Do I really hear them, or do I always have my own agenda when it comes to our conversations?

As a parent, do you ever feel like your kids are not listening? Or that you have to talk a lot to make them listen? Here is the funny thing. One of the best ways to get our kids to listen, is to stop talking to them, and listen to them first.

How... How do we listen?

First, discern how/ when your children talk.
Our daughter wants to talk immediately after school, or after any and every event. She gets in the car, ready to tell me about every. single. detail. Our son is the complete opposite. He gets in the car after school and it is like pulling teeth to get him to tell me anything. At first I would push for details. Then I learned to leave him alone. It is usually about 24 hours later, when our son seeks me out and starts to tell me all the details of his "yesterday". It is after the fact that he wants to talk. On his time, when he is ready.

Not every conversation requires feedback.
For some reason, as parents, we feel that every conversation with our kids needs to have teaching, counseling, reprimanding, or reminding in it. It doesn't. We don't have to teach a lesson or prove a point every time we talk. Listen more than you talk. Be very selective about when it is necessary to give feedback.

Be at the crossroads.
If we want to listen to our children, we must be at the crossroads. What does this mean? Be there at those critical moments when they leave for school, come home from school, or transition into something new. Be there when vital decisions need to be made, and be around the center of activity.
As parents we have to be ready and waiting at the crossroads each day.

Let go of the agenda.
Most of the time, when we start conversations, especially with our kids, we are waiting for them to stop talking so we can fullfil our agenda. So we can tell them to "get started", "to not forget", "to make sure they do...". Most of the time we have an agenda for our conversation. We need to let go of the mentality that we are only listening so that we can then talk. We need to actually listen and hear what is being said.

Make time to listen.
Our lives get busy. If we really want to listen to our children, we have to make time to do that. A great time to listen is during your 15 minutes a day with your child. But take a minute and evaluate your day. When else could you listen? Lately, I have been taking short walks at the end of the day with each of the kids. We trade off and while we walk, they talk. I rarely say anything. I have learned so much about our children during this time. This also means we need to be available. Put yourself in the same space as your children, even if you are doing different things, and watch as they open up and talk to you. Our kids can't talk to us if we are never around, or always busy.

Never shut them down.
Ever had your child tell you the same story 15 times? Maybe every time they talk to you it is about dinosaurs, their passion for the week. No matter how tired you are of Tyrannosaurus Rex stories, don't ever shut your child down. Listen to it again, and again. Telling them you "don't want to hear it", that you "are tired of it", or telling them "not to talk about it again", will make our children feel shut down. They wont talk about the hard things, if they don't trust we will listen to the easy, everyday things. 

Listen by looking them in the eye. 
Have you ever really listened to your child? Looked them in the eyes? Watched their mouths move? Noticed the freckles and color of their hair? Have you ever really heard what they are saying without thinking about a million other things? Try it. In fact, try and make every conversation a real conversation by looking them right in the eyes. You will fall in love with your child all over again, every time.

If our kids feel that we listen to them, they are much more likely to listen to us, and obey us. They will feel understood and accepted. They will want to open up and share.

What do you feel when you REALLY listen to your kids?

When our Children Lie - What Should We Do?

A few weeks ago I spent the morning at Studio 5. It is a local daytime television show, and it is always fun to contribute. Brooke, Darren and I spent a few minutes talking about kids and lying. Why they lie, and what to do.

Do your kids ever lie? Watch the video for some great pointers on how to deal with it.
If you want more in-depth information, read this post on Kids and Lying.



Remember it is really normal for kids to try lying. The key is to put a stop to it so it doesn't become a habit. (Keep in mind, it might be our fault, not theirs. Wink wink.)

Do you ever fib around your kids?

What's the craziest lie you have heard from your children?

Family Volley Photo Challenge

Just a quick reminder that this week's (May 9) Photo Challenge is...

"Black and White"

Next week's (May 16) Challenge is "Motherhood"

Whining? Pleeaaasssseeee make it STOP!

Raise your hand if you enjoy listening to your kids whine.

What, no hands? Mine isn't up either.

No one likes whining. In fact, one of the biggest questions from parents, How do I get my kids to stop whining?

So how do we win the whining battle?

First we need to look at why our kids are whining. This is a difficult thing to do. Why? Because it is most likely our fault they are whining.

Kids whine because they are trying to get OUR attention. They don't feel like we are listening to them, so they get frustrated and whine. The root of the problem could lie with us. Do our kids try and tell us something and we don't acknowledge them? Are we always "sooshing", or "shooing" them? Do our children ask us for something and we don't respond right away? Do we brush over their concerns or questions? Giving the impression we heard them, but don't care?

Our kids are not whining to make us irritated and mad. They are simply trying to get our attention and be heard. They are frustrated and whining is how they express their frustration. They know that we can't ignore the whining.

What can we do?
We need to stop ignoring them. We need to get down to their level and not only "hear" them, but really hear what they are saying and address and acknowledge it. We need to respond to their first request for attention. Not their third. By putting them off, and ignoring the requests, we encourage our children to whine. The exact behavior we say we don't like.

This doesn't mean we give them what they want all the time, but even when the answer is "no" we need to address the request in a timely fashion.

Spending individual time with our children will also help reduce whining. Remember this post on One-on-one time? We need to give each child attention so they don't have to act out to get our attention.

When our Kids Whine.
1. Point out that your child is whining. Many times kids don't even realize they are doing it. I know with our daughter, I will tell her she is whining and her response, "No I'm not." She doesn't even realize it has happened. This might mean that you need to demonstrate what whining sounds like. It is okay to do that, but don't make fun of your child IN ANY WAY when you are demonstrating. Instead, whine about adult things, like doing the dishes, so that your child doesn't feel attacked. Use humor and ask them how your whining makes them feel. Then, model the right way to ask or talk. Model to your child how to communicate without whining. Give them a realistic example and show them how they "should" talk.

2. Make it clear that whining is not acceptable. We do this by explaining that whining will not get them what they want. Then explain that you would like to hear what they have to say, but you will not listen until they talk to you in a normal tone of voice. No exceptions!


3. Don't give in and don't loose your cool. When kids whine, we have to stay calm. If they see it is getting us frustrated, the will keep doing it. Stay calm, explain the need for them to use a normal voice if they want to talk to you, and then go about your business. What ever you do, DON'T GIVE IN. When kids get what they want from whining, it teaches them that whining works. SO they will continue to whine to get what they want. We have to stand strong. Or else we send a message that is really hard to reverse.

4. Stay steady. Consistency is key. We can't give in to some whining and then not to others. If the rule is not whining, then stick to the rule. It is the consistency that will teach our children we are serious, and create a lasting change.

What if we really ARE busy (like when I am on the phone) and can't respond immediately?
This will happen. It always happens to me. I will have to make a phone call, and sure enough, someone needs something and starts to whine so I will listen. It is okay to point to the phone, put your hand up, and tell your child you need a minute to finish the call. Once you are off the phone, immediately address your child and their concern or need. Don't forget about them, and be realistic about your time on the phone. If you are going to be more than just a few minutes. Consider asking the caller to wait "just a minute" while you address your child. If you are going to be longer on the call, maybe finishing the conversation at a later time would be better. Asking a child to wait is realistic, but wait forever, is not.

What if I am talking to my spouse or another child?
This will happen also. In our house, it seems that the second my husband and I start a conversation, someone needs or wants attention and the whining begins. This is also normal. Young children especially, want our attention and when we are giving it to someone else, they will naturally try to get the attention back with them. Turn to your child and explain you are talking to "daddy". "As soon as I am done, you and I can talk." This teaches them manners. That you are aware of them. That they don't need to whine, that whining won't get them what they want, and that your spouse is also important. All valuable lessons for children.

Same rules apply. A minute or two of waiting is fine, talking to your spouse for 30 minutes while your child waits, is not.

RECAP:
Why do they whine? Children whine because they want our attention.


What can we do?
1. Point out the whining. Demonstrate what whining sounds like and ask our children how "our whining makes them feel", and then model the "right way" to communicate.


2. Make it clear that whining is not acceptable. Explain that you want to talk to them, but will not have a conversation until they use a normal voice. No Exceptions!


3. Stay calm when the whining starts and don't give in.


4. Consistency is key. Don't stay strong one day, and give in to the whining the next. 

Do your kids whine?

Does whining bug you?

Do you ever give in to the whining?